Breaking News: Lent Sparks Civil War and Chocolate Sales Crash in the Catholic Nation of Sancta Ecclesia

More news no one asked for, from HaloZest Reporters on Location Between Florin and Genovia

SANCTA ECCLESIA— The liturgical season of Lent has once again ignited fierce ideological battles in the deeply divided nation of Sancta Ecclesia, where various factions of Catholics are waging a spiritual (and social media) war over who’s doing Lent correctly.

Ortho Bros vs. Trad Bros: The Battle for Ultimate Austerity

The Ortho Bros, a zealous coalition of Eastern Catholics, hardcore ascetics, and bearded theology buffs, have declared that anything less than strict adherence to Byzantine fasting rules is “basically Protestant.” Their strategy? No meat, no dairy, no oil, and definitely no fun.

"We fast like the Desert Fathers intended—just bread, water, and vague suffering," said Maximos “The Unyielding” Gregoriou, a key figure in the Ortho Bro movement. "If you eat fish on Friday, you’re basically modernist scum."

Not to be outdone, the Trad Bros, a Vatican I restorationist faction with a deep love for Latin, cassocks, and smug penitential superiority, have retaliated by escalating their own fasts.

"We have doubled our fasting commitments," declared Brother Pius Xavier, leader of the local Latin Mass Chaplaincy. "No food, only Gregorian chant and self-recrimination. The real Lent is about out-suffering the weak."

The Post-Christian Catholics: “Lent is Overrated”

Meanwhile, the Post-Christian Catholics—a secularized splinter group advocating for a chill, no-guilt approach to religion—have launched a counter-offensive under the banner: #LentIsOverHyped.

"Do we really need to give up anything at all?" asked Sophia DeLeon, an ex-Catholic spiritual influencer. "Jesus already forgave us. Lent is just performative suffering, and I, for one, will not be guilt-tripped into skipping oat milk lattes."

Her book, Ditching Dogma: How I Found God in Brunch Culture, has become a rallying cry for those opting out of traditional Lenten practices.

Other Religious Orders Weigh In

• Jesuits: Issued a 4,000-word essay questioning whether Lenten sacrifice is even meaningful without a thorough re-examination of its cultural context. No one finished reading it.

• Dominicans: Locked in a heated internal debate over whether giving up coffee constitutes an act of heresy or holiness.

• Franciscans: Accidentally won Lent by already living in radical poverty, and they’re pretty happy about that.

• Benedictines: Just continuing their normal routine of ora et labora, wondering why everyone else is making such a big deal out of it.

Chocolate Sales Plummet as Catholics Try (and Fail) to Resist Temptation

In a shocking economic twist, chocolate sales have plummeted across Sancta Ecclesia, with major confectionery brands reporting a 40% decline since Ash Wednesday. Even beloved Catholic chocolate companies, such as St. Benedict’s Bean-to-Bar and Our Lady of Perpetual Cocoa, are struggling.

In a desperate bid to stay relevant, they’ve launched a social media campaign called #MindfulChocolateForLent, urging Catholics to "prayerfully consume small amounts of ethically sourced, monk-blessed chocolate."

So far, results have been mixed. While some Catholics have embraced the idea of lectio divina with a side of dark chocolate, others have accused the movement of being “a gateway to modernism.”

Meanwhile, statistics suggest that Easter Sunday will see an unprecedented chocolate binge, with some Catholics already hoarding Cadbury eggs like doomsday preppers.

Anthropologist Suggests Liturgical Dance-Offs May Be Repressed Mating Strategy

As tensions escalate, an unexpected phenomenon has caught the attention of anthropologists: the rise of highly competitive liturgical dance-offs between rival factions. Dr. Margaret Leclerc, a cultural anthropologist specializing in religious movements, has proposed a controversial theory—that these dramatic performances may be a form of repressed Catholic mating ritual.

“On the surface, these dance-offs appear to be about spiritual expression,” Leclerc explained, “but the intensity, the eye contact, the suspiciously choreographed twirls… It’s almost as if these young Catholics, forbidden from traditional courtship displays, are engaging in a highly ritualized form of peacocking.”

Trad Bros have denounced this take as “liturgical abuse,” and Ortho Bros insist they are merely reviving “sacred Byzantine dance traditions.”

The Average Catholic’s Take: “Please, Just Let Me Be”

Caught in the crossfire are ordinary Catholics, who are mostly just trying to keep their heads down and figure out if chicken broth technically breaks the fast.

"Listen, I’m just trying to survive tax season," sighed Michael O’Donnell, a weary suburban dad. "I gave up sweets for Lent, but my coworkers keep bringing donuts. Meanwhile, my Trad Bro cousin is fasting so hard he’s hallucinating, and my progressive friends are trying to convince me Lent is ‘bad vibes.’ I just want to get to Easter in one piece."

The Road to Easter: Who Will Win?

With Holy Week approaching, tensions are expected to rise as Ortho Bros and Trad Bros attempt a final Lenten showdown, while Post-Christian Catholics throw a Palm Sunday Brunch & Mimosa event to undermine the whole affair.

As for the average Catholic? Most are just hoping that whatever they gave up for Lent was good enough—and that they don’t accidentally eat a cheeseburger on Good Friday.

Stay tuned for further updates on this developing crisis.

Please give it the exact amount of seriousness it warrants.

Which is to say, not much.